LIST: Imagining Insults as Food Items
Jerk: Cheese sandwich, white bread with two American 2% cheese slices,
made the night before, causing the watery mustard on the bottom side
to have yellowed the center of the bread and making it impossible to
reuse the plastic sandwich bag.
Dickhead: Fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt, purchased unknowingly when the
cup was stocked incorrectly, crossing the border of and intermingling
with the light mixed berry variety, to be used in a smoothie with
past-ripe bananas or thrown out.
Bitch: Frozen dinner, packaged in a waxy-feeling box that employs a
logo and color scheme that connotes the ideas of an active (yet still
convenience-driven) lifestyle and responsible mealtime
decision-making, containing a stir fry of out-of-season vegetables
over lo mein, the majority of which having thawed, shifted to one side
of the black plastic dish, and refrozen at some point during delivery.
Motherfucker: Thick-cut boneless pork chop, butterflied and filled
with box stuffing, coated with Italian style breadcrumbs and cracked
black pepper, folded closed but left overstuffed so as not to lose the
heap of starchy innards.
Asshole: Cup of off-brand mixed fruit in cherry gel, having sat long
enough in the fringe to make it unclear which fruits are mixed and
whether the gel is indeed cherry or actually a strawberry flavor, the
rosy color simply darkened by the passing of time.
Faggot: Popcorn kernel, whole, hard as concrete, a stowaway in a
handful of obediently popped kernels that sullies the texture and
flavor of its airy, buttery brethren.
Retard: Rice packet, rotini with cheese sauce and broccoli (the
ordering of ingredients, according to the law, clueing the buyer in to
the quantity of cheese sauce versus broccoli), that has traveled with
the owner for several apartment moves and whose expiration date would
surely confirm that the contents were no good were the printing of the
year not askew and cut off.
Douchebag: Deviled ham.
Twat: Oyster crackers, a single leftover packet that came with a
takeout soup order from last winter, saved either with the intention
of totally making chowder from scratch, man, or as an emergency supply
in the event that the next soup order placed comes without crackers.
Cocksucker: Turkey frank, microwaved until the ends burst, cut up into
inch-long pieces and corralled on a plate next to a crimson glob of
Prick: Giardiniera (in a jar and on the same shelf as the organic
medium salsa and the unopened grenadine), the oil having separated to
the point where beads have formed along the inside edge of the glass
and even a good shake would do more to further break down the delicate
pickled carrot pieces than to reconstitute the mixture.
Cunt: Lemon wedge, fresh and extra sour, sliced between the membranes
so the cell must be cracked and the structure of the wedge compromised
to extract the seed.